right turns didn't make any sense to him. with left turns, he could see possible danger head-on and meet it accordingly. right turns always ended up on the sidewalk, over the curb, against a fire hydrant. he swore it was from childhood deprivation of using the hand that he was naturally inclined to use... his left.

it was bad luck to write with the left hand. as the muscles of his naturally stronger left hand withered, he struggled with anything his right hand had to do: eat, hold scissors, write, even flip the birdie. his right middle finger never could stand up as straight and defiantly as his left one.

"damn, mama," he'd curse to himself.

memories of wincing at the slap of his mother's hand on his overly eager left hand would surface at unexpected moments--when shaking hands, serving a tennis ball and playing the guitar.

he envied all the famous musical lefties that got to explore creation with the left hand: jimi hendrix, toni iommi, paul mccartney--PAUL MCCARTNEY? he never was impressed with paul's bass guitar skills.

"he's no milt hinton," he'd always say.

this would always create a stir of controversy. his beatle blasphemy was too much for his best friend who believed the mathematical theorum that if the beatles were the greatest band in history, then it follows that its bass player, paul, was the greatest bass player, ever.

"you know, don't even talk to me about paul, okay? i'm sorry. that ain't bass playing." he would then try and flip the birdie at his friend, but would only get ridiculed at how the surrounding fingers of his right hand could barely make themselves scarce and allow full prominence to his derogatory middle member.

he wondered if the lefty dilemma would have long-term effects on his personality. would he become a psychotic serial killer that would stab right-handed victims with his left hand? perhaps, he would kill his victims with a moving car, charging forward on rainy nights towards his unsuspecting prey, who would only see the headlights too late.

in his defense, he would claim that his view of the victim was obstructed due to inclement weather. he would cryptically explain at his trial:

"it was always easier for me to turn on my headlights than turn on my wipers." authorities inspecting the mechanical setup on the inside of his car would find that his ease of using turn signals placed on the left of the steering wheel versus the more difficult task of using the windshield wiper switch located on the right was indeed due to the fact that--as the defendant claimed, "i was born a leftist, raised as a right-hander."

during his trial, he fantasized that extensive evidence would be collected from psychiatric evaluations that examined the damage caused by being forcibly converted to a right-hander. would the truth set the leftist free? or, would the current state of political affairs under a republican administration doom him to serve the maximum sentence for pre-meditated murder? the death penalty.